I just stumbled across something I wrote back in April of 2008. I ended up in another relationship shortly after this and while it wasn’t the worst relationship ever, it wasn’t the best. After that relationship ended in December 2009, I vowed to stay single for the entirety of 2010 – no boyfriends. And now, having actually met a New Year’s resolution for once, I can say that this writing from almost three years ago has never rung more true to me than it does now. 🙂
“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”
– Anais Nin
This quote means so much to me. This quote is me.
Last night, I was out with some great friends and body image came up somehow. One of my friends told me I was “okay” and “fine.” And I cried. No joke, I fucking cried.
Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the mojitos, maybe it was the breakup or the fact that I still don’t have a job. Who knows. I felt silly that I cried. When I got home, I sat on the back stoop and asked myself (out loud like a champ) why that got to me so much. And then I realized that it is because he (c’mon, you know who, don’t ruin my flow) made me feel ordinary, okay, fine.
Well, I say fuck that. I don’t want to be fine. I want to be fabulous. I don’t want to be okay. I want to be extraordinary. And I am. Because I said so.
So it was silly to cry and I apologized to my friend who really didn’t mean it the way he said it – really, he’s a great friend. But, it wasn’t silly because now I have a conviction that I didn’t have before. I didn’t realize how ordinary he (ya know, him again) had made me feel. I don’t ever want to settle for that again. I’m not ordinary, I’m fucking fantastic.